People Eating Tasty Animals (PETA)

In a comical attempt at clearing his name, Michael Vick has decided to become PETA's next spokesperson. Yeah, that's People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. The organization that makes an average liberal look like Charlton Heston.

Of course, Vick is currently serving prison time for funding an illegal dog-fighting ring. Vick's actions were even far worse than Navin Johnson's illegal cat-juggling show (The Jerk).

"I'm familiar with [the plan]," said Dan Shannon, director of youth outreach and campaigns for PETA. "We have been in discussions with Michael Vick, with his management team, about the possibility of him putting out a public-service announcement with PETA when he's out of jail. We want him to discourage people from taking part in dog-fighting. I can do it until I'm blue in the face and it might not convince anybody. Michael Vick sure can. He can say, 'Look, I did it, I was wrong, and it ruined my career."

Believe it or not, this isn't even the end of Vick's attempt to change his public image. He's also considering the development of his own animal rights group.

This might be the mother of all PR jobs. His obstacles are many: a hard-line NFL commissioner who wants to see "genuine remorse" before reinstating Mr. Vick to the league; individual franchises that might be wary of the backlash and potential damage to their brands from signing Mr. Vick (i.e. THIS BLOG); and an incredulous public that remains shocked by the story.

Just so we're clear, I hated Michael Vick/The Falcons waaaay before his dog-fighting arrest.

I really think he might be taking it all a little too far. There's a fine line between a sincere apology and a disingenuous act of dramatics.

His own animal rights group???? C'mon dude! Nobody is going to buy that for one minute. He'd be far better off just sitting down in front of Goodell and quoting "Red" from Shawshank Prison.

"Rehabilitated? To me it's just a made up word. A politician's word, so young fellas like yourself can wear a suit and a tie, and have a job. What do you really want to know? Am I sorry for what I did? There's not a day goes by I don't feel regret. Not because I'm in here, or because you think I should. I look back on the way I was then: a young, stupid kid who committed that terrible crime. I want to talk to him. I want to try and talk some sense to him, tell him the way things are. But I can't. That kid's long gone and this old man is all that's left. I got to live with that. Rehabilitated? It's just a bullsh*t word. So you go on and stamp your form, sonny, and stop wasting my time. Because to tell you the truth, I don't give a sh*t."

THIS is the only way to guarantee Goodell's stamp of approval.